I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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