if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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