I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize
