Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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