I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
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