don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
