I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Randomize
