I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
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I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
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if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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