i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Randomize
