How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
