i wish there were pregnant emoticons
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
