SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
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