Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
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Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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