Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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