I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
