Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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