they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
