There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Naked. naked and bneed help.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Randomize