Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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