he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
