Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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