i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
