I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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