she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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