Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
