I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
