if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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