The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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