Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
