Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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