I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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