as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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