It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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