I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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