***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Randomize
