You just made me feel so damn special
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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