it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
