His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
