i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
