I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
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Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
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