I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
