Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
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I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
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She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
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