She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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