So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I said "one day" and that day is not today
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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