There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
