My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
