i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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