I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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