I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Randomize
