ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
