38 yer olds are good kisserssss
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
