my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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