Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
