From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
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