the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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