I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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