I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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