i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Drake has all the answers
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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