I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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