She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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