Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
