A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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