you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
They took my balls.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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