Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
