get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
