I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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